How to approach women.
The ultimate guide to getting dates that turn into relationships.
These strategies work on the street, cafes, restaurants, transit, stores and anywhere else you can think of.
Everything I’ve learned about how to approach hot women over the last 8 years is getting spilled for you right here.
I’ve also included real world examples, resources, and videos to help you absorb everything that you’ll need to get a date anywhere you go.
| “I’m more of a social person now; I’m more of a leader at work. I have the courage to go talk to strangers.”
Learn how to develop rock solid confidence to meet women anywhere.
Scroll down or click on one of the menu subtopics.
Part 1 ^
CASE STUDY: HOW A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER GOT 2 DATES PER WEEK
As you’re about to see, Karl used a very direct way to meet women that:
Got him 1-2 dates every week
Made women crazy about him
Ended up giving Karl so many options that he had to start turning dates down, and select only the HOTTEST women to go out with
Why being an engineer, tech geek or programmer is no reason you can’t attract hot women
The step by step process I used to turn Karl into an assertive man with more dates then he could handle can be found below.
Karl came to me through a friend because like many guys who focus heavily on their careers, Karl ended up with a lack of loving from the ladies.
In fact, he hadn’t been on a single date in over ONE YEAR.
And being on his computer all day didn’t help him feel “social” at the end of the work day.
Actually, it made him feel downright reclusive. Who wants to go out to meet women after staring at coding all day?
This was having a negative effect on his work too. Advancing in a company usually requires some social skills and assertiveness to deal with the boss and move to the next position.
So what exactly did Karl do?
Well, let’s start with the different methods that you’ll be able to utilize, and we’ll get back to the specific “awkward” approach that worked for Karl.
3 Types of Approaches that Women Love
1 The direct introduction. An approach that doesn’t leave anything to chance, and let’s the woman know upfront that you have romantic intentions.
2 The Casual Conversation (situational approach). This is subtle and sort of under the radar. You might just be making an observation about your surroundings, but will shift gears and get more personal after.
3 Eye contact fishing. This strategy incorporates the direct approach, but it starts with a smiling invitation from the woman after eye contact has been made.
Back to Karl…
In this section I’ll go through the 3 approaches I mentioned (including the “awkward” direct style that worked for Karl)
How a Programmer Went from ZERO DATES in Over One Year, to 2 Dates Per Week with an “Awkward” Introduction
When he wasn’t at work he spent the vast majority of his time either making his own apps (for fun) or playing video games.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out this isn’t the best way to meet women.
In fact, Karl hadn’t been on a date in over ONE YEAR, and before that only had a handful of “crazy” girlfriends that he met through friends.
He wanted change, so we put a plan together.
The best way to put it, baby Steps.
After socializing with his computer for over a year he needed to warm up his social muscles first.
So this is what we did:
- Say HELLO to everyone. This simple exercise is designed to get you used to saying things to random strangers. It’s SO SIMPLE that most of us don’t do it.
- Start conversations with service people. At a cafe with the baristas or someone in line; at a restaurant with the waitstaff; with the cashier at the grocery store. Not just “How are you?” but making an observation and a comment to spark a conversation.
Next, starting conversations with women.
One of the best ways possible to connect with women is just to be direct and honest about your interest.
I coached a guy in Florida via Skype the other night who was taught all sorts of bullshit from “dating coaches” who shouldn’t have been teaching anybody.
They told him to play games like “Don’t show your interest” or “Text her a few days later so you don’t look needy”.
This sort of nonsense is a great way to stay SINGLE and not get laid.
If you want something, ask for it.
The “Awkward”Approach That Worked
Guys always say “I just want to be myself”.
That’s usually just an excuse to avoid the pain of change.
He was just awkward every time he talked to a girl….but it worked.
Women found him very endearing with his apologetic self-depreciating style.
I would NEVER train a guy to be like that, but the authenticity oozed from his personality. He wasn’t trying to force a fake persona, or be something that he wasn’t, he just accepted his sort of “weird”, confident yet awkward style of talking to women.
He would walk up to women, then be something like “Oh my god, I FEEL LIKE SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT! I just ran over here because you look cute. Um…”
A huge smile would sweep over each woman’s face, followed by giggles and an engaging conversation.
Every time I saw Karl pull his phone out I knew the deal was sealed…
And that was happening every time we were out.
Pushing Past Self Resistance
It took Karl about 3 months before he really started excelling with his comfort levels to talk to women in public.
In the beginning, I even had to physically push him or I’d approach the girl myself and introduce him (which he found humiliating).
One day Karl tells me, “Eddy I can’t do it…”
Me “Do what?”
“I don’t feel right dating multiple women at the same time, and I don’t even have time to go on so many dates…”
This was pretty awesome: Karl went from ZERO dates a few months earlier, to having TOO MANY dates, and feeling morally bankrupt for seeing multiple women at the same time.
It just wasn’t what he wanted.
Every man has to decide the best path for himself and do what feels right.
One thing’s for certain, this new problem of too many dates was way better than his old problem of no dates.
Most guys will never experience what Karl achieved: the power of choice.
With the power of choice, you can be free from neediness and being stuck with second rate women simply because there’s no other choice.
The Importance of a ‘Love Plan’
Karl made this happen because he had a ‘love plan’ and chiseled away at the things that had held him back previously.
Throughout the process we corrected certain mistakes he was making like:
- Leaning forward (awkward and insecure)
- Speaking too fast
- Not opening loud enough
- Giving up too quickly when a girl didn’t smile instantly
- Coming too close on the initial approach (freaks girls out)
- Being TOO apologetic (although managed to make it work, we just toned it down)
People make plans for their retirement, banking, and even vacations, but very few people make a plan for their love life…
Without a plan you can’t expect to end up where you want to be.
With a plan you set the direction (what you want), figure out how to get there (create steps), and take action on the steps that you laid out.
The next section explains approach strategies and techniques, and why they work. You’ll also learn why women LOVE bold men who make the effort to introduce themselves.
Part 2 ^
Why Approaching Women in Public Works
This sounds almost stupid but it’s something that has gone over many guys heads. “How do I meet women?”
Simple, introduce yourself.
There’s more to it than that, but the real deal breaker is just doing it or not. You don’t need a perfect approach to make it work, but you do need to approach.
- It’s bold and demonstrates confidence (women love confidence)
- Simple strategy. (A) See a woman B) Talk to her)
- It’s romantic. What else could a girl want except for prince charming to show up bravely to court her?
- Endless opportunities. Instead of being restricted to specific scenarios, you can meet women anywhere
- Your next girlfriend wants you to approach. I always hear “Guys here don’t approach” demonstrating the discontentment (and opportunity) from the lack of initiative from many guys.
It’s also a great relationship story. Instead of saying “We met on Tinder…” you’ll have an old fashioned tale.
Part 3 ^
Step by Step Breakdown: Techniques and Tactics That can Work For You
How to Approach (Direct Introduction)
The ‘direct introduction’ is by far the best way to meet attractive women.
It cuts out any beating around the bush, and makes it easier to “think of something to say” because you’re telling her EXACTLY WHATS ON YOUR MIND.
I don’t mean saying something stupid and directly sexual (although directly sexual can work in certain situations) but rather, you just tell her what you like about her. Done.
Using this method you’ll:
- See if she’s interested within seconds
- Cut out any time wasting
- Feel and look like a BOSS
This can be applied to most situations, but for brevity, I’ll start with the scenario of a woman walking down the street.
Step 1 – When you see a woman you want to talk to start like this:
Your mind may go haywire and try to make excuses, ANYTHING to try to stop you from talking to that stunner in the short skirt. Don’t listen to that voice.
It’s a survival mechanism that is identifying “danger”, but there is no danger in this case.
The reason your mind reacts this way is because people come from small tribal communities where getting rejected could possibly mean death.
|In the early days of mankind, to be ostracized from the community spelled death to the person being ostracized. This was because the chances of surviving alone in the wilderness were slim to none. So being accepted by the community ensured that you weren’t going to be booted out.
-Ugo Uche, Anger Management 101: Taming the Beast Within @
So this is what you do:
a) Take a deep breath followed by a forceful exhale (calms nervous system), and in those two seconds only focus on breath (Basically, don’t think about it)
b) Simultaneously START walking towards her (during breath)
Step 2 – Get Her Attention
Get her attention with “Excuse me”
The reason behind this is social conditioning.
We’re all conditioned to pay attention when someone says excuse me, so use it to your advantage.
| Classical Conditioning – Ivan Pavlov and Behaviorism In Pavlov’s Dog experiment, the research proved that repeated exposure to a particular stimuli results in a specific behavior being repeated. In accordance to Mark Bouton, of University of Vermont, the strength of such ‘repetition’ and influence can be seen in operant conditioning. Where, depending on reinforcement and punishment of a particular behavior, a response is conditioned.
Step 3 – Deliver a Genuine Compliment
Deliver a genuine compliment but stick to something light, such as “Cute” “Looks nice” or “Great sense of style”. This will be better received than overdoing it and WORSHIPING her “OMG CAN I GET ON MY KNEES AND BEG FOR YOU TO LIKE ME?!”
The compliment get’s to the point of why you’re talking to her – she’s attractive, period.
Most women respond very well to a well placed compliment because women LOVE compliments.
Here are some more compliments from Nataly Kogan to get you thinking outside of the box.
Step 4 – Start a Conversation Focused on Her
After the opening compliment, a lot of guys get stuck.
“I don’t know what to say” is the most common thing I hear coming from guys.
(Subscribe to be informed when my ultimate guide to conversation comes out)
It’s pretty simple overall, focus on her.
It makes sense to find out about WHO you’re talking to now that you mustered up the courage to go introduce yourself.
You don’t need an amazing topic because people like to talk about themselves.
From Richard Feloni of Business Insider
|Encourage people to talk about themselves. Most people loosen up even in tense situations if they start talking about what they know. Namely, themselves.|
a) Ask a simple question like, “What do you do?” to get things started.
b) Don’t jump to the next topic. Find out WHY she’s doing what she’s doing. It’s one of the biggest reasons guys run out of things to say because they jump topics immediately after getting an answer. Dig deeper.
Part 4 ^
“But I’m Too Shy to do a Direct Approach!”
(Don’t worry, start with this)
You may be thinking, “Well fu**, Eddy! I get too nervous too just walk up to a woman and give her a compliment”.
That’s fine, baby steps will get you there.
I had actually done online dating for years before learning how to do cold approaches, then one day I decided to grow a pair.
It wasn’t easy, but I got my feet wet by starting casual conversations with women in cafes while I worked on my computer.
The basics for that are below in “How I Took a Sexy Asian Home Within a Few Hours From a Cafe”
You may not get someone home right away, but starting casual conversations with women is a nice low-adrenaline way to get dates.
The main drawback is it’s very random, and you can’t count on it on any given day. That means you just have to have your eyes open for opportunities whenever you’re grabbing a Joe.
In a cafe, grocery store, restaurant, or ANY public setting (fit observation to scenario):
- Observe the girl you want to talk to. What’s she doing or wearing?
- Deliver comment. In a grocery store “Too many choices right?” (Girl looking at food) In a cafe/library “Looks like a serious book, what are you reading?”
- Respond to, or continue the conversation on your observation. She replies to you, now you just have to follow through and dig deeper into the topic, and look for a “lead-off” to branch into a more personal topic
- Close with, “I have to get going, but let’s have a coffee sometime”. If her answer is positive then grab her number.
Another way to ease into approaches is “eye contact fishing” (below).
Part 5 ^
Eye Contact Fishing
This is one of my FAVORITE ways of meeting women on the street because it’s easy and low risk.
You’ll use the direct approach, but in this case, you’re approaching based on initial eye contact and a smile (an invitation).
I’ve met numerous women this way and never have received a cold welcome.
- You can be confident she’s already receptive and friendly before approaching
- She’s already aware of you so there won’t be any big surprise when you walk up to her
- Your odds of walking away with a number increase by 1057% (my best made up statistic)
- Confidence (which creates attraction) has already been demonstrated before approaching with strong eye contact
- When walking down the street, make eye contact with every woman who passes by. Some women will look away, some won’t look at all, but keep ‘fishing eyes’ until you get a smile
- Now go back to her and make a compliment on her smile, ‘good energy’ or anything specific that you like about her. Example: “Hey, I just noticed you walking past me and I had to come back to meet you. I love your smile.”
Part 6 ^
How I Took a Sexy Asian Home Within a Few Hours From a Cafe
I went to sit at my usual patio spot on a warm summer day, but this day was different. Adjacent to my regular seat there was a sexy, tanned skin Filipino girl with medium black hair. She was immersed in her books and didn’t really pay attention to me.
I had to go to the washroom, so I asked her, “Could you keep an eye on my computer for a minute?” “Sure!”
She was enthusiastic, good.
That was the first point of contact.
I returned and smile at her, “Thanks!”. She returned the smile, and then I threw in another comment, “Looks like you’ve got some heavy reading, what are you studying?”
Second point of contact.
Her “Oh, I’m working on my nursing exam which is coming up next week”.
At this point, there was no longer any effort. She basically just kept talking, and I kept the conversation engaging by keeping the focus on her.
With the sunny weather and my enthusiastic new “friend” I decided it was time to move this thing away from the cafe.
Me “Hey, I’m going to go for a little walk to the beach. Why don’t you come along”.
Her “Sure! It’s a nice day, sounds good”.
I walked her down to the beach, close to my place.
Then we sat on a log and she kept talking. this was good, because the best conversationalist let the other person speak about themselves.
Every once in a while I would touch her on the arm. This was crucial because I’m establishing that I’m a physical guy, building comfort, and getting her used to my contact.
Then, I decided it was time to close the deal: “Hey, let’s go back to my place”.
She was surprised, and there was a brief pause before sure blurted out “Ahh I have to go home pretty soon…”
My reaction was no reaction. I just switched to the next topic: “That’s cool. Hey, I have to go to the grocery store and it’s on the way to the Skytrain for you. Come shop with me”. (Notice that I don’t ask her “Do you want to come shop with me?”)
Got to the grocery store, bought my stuff, and then we headed back out. During the conversation she expressed a little surprise at my age (35) Vs. her (22), but just like anything else, I didn’t give her fuel by having a reaction or trying to defend myself (a losing position to be in).
Standing outside it was obvious she still was up for more IN SPITE of the excuse of “Having to go home soon” that she used as a wall earlier.
So this is what happened…
She started talking: “So what are you doing?”
Me “Nothing special, just going home to eat”.
Her “Oh, well I guess I have another hour or two before I have to get back…”
So that’s when I made my second attempt to bring her home.
Her “Hmm are you sure? You’re not a murderer or something?”
Me “haha no. I was wondering the same about you…”
Her “You sure?!”
Me “I pinky swear”. (we locked pinkies)
Her “OK then!”
To sum it all up, that was the end of that.
- Met her while chilling at a cafe
- I hung out with this girl for about 3 hours in total
- Went home the same day and had sex WITHOUT the influence of alcohol
Her Buying Signs
A buying sign is just sales speak for a “sign of interest”.
Guys are usually horrible at reading authentic buying signs, and often mistake flirting as a sign of interest (even though it’s not). I’ll get back to that later.
There were two main buying signs with this girl:
- She wouldn’t stop talking (I basically couldn’t keep working)
- She was asking about my life. As they say in sales “A prospect will never ask questions about a product they’re not interested in”.
How I Did It
By not being in a rush to get anywhere I set a very chill tone right from the beginning.
The biggest take away is that I lead the entire interaction from start to finish. It would of never happened if I didn’t move everything forward, step by step.
Too many guys get discouraged when they make an attempt and get rejected initially.
I would have ended up back at my place alone if I didn’t assert myself the second time.
Remember: No doesn’t mean no forever, just right now.
After the initial no it was important that not to react to it and instead changed the topic. In fact, you can use this when you get a no for a phone number.
Don’t cling onto that topic hoping to argue a girl out of her digits (or panties). Just start talking about something else, then come back full circle and ask again.
The intent to “convince” a girl that she should do something will just make her dig her heels in more.
This particular scenario was at a cafe, but the steps are exactly the same on a street approach. The full recap and steps are below.
STEP #1 – Find An Awesome Spot to Chill
Find a great cafe where you can chill and do some reading or work. Because I work for myself I’m always chilling at cafes and running into hot women without making a big effort.
The way you position yourself here is crucial because you need to be in a spot that allows you to easily engage with any women who sit nearby.
Usually a nice central spot close to some other tables will work well.
If a cafe has wide spacing in between tables it won’t be as easy to engage casually because you’ll have to speak much louder to get her attention, and may get the wrong tables attention.
Step #2 – The Opener
Making a comment on almost anything will work, such as “What are you reading? ” or “Killing some time between meetings?”
You’ll have to play it based on the scenario, just observe what she’s doing and make a comment on that.
Make sure you’re eyes are set on hers when you open.
Step #3 – Multiple Points of Contact
I’ll never force a conversation, but sometimes you have to give it a few shots before something lights up.
Step #4 – Invite Her to Go Somewhere
If you want to take her home then make sure you take her somewhere close to your place. Otherwise, a cool date is OK too.
a) Find out what she’s doing RIGHT NOW
b) She’s free, so ask her to go with you, “Let’s go for a walk by the beach (or whatever)” I invited a girl to go across the street for fries once and that was good too. The key is just to go out with her so that now she’s “with you” as that changes the whole dynamic.
c) If she’s not free that’s fine, just tell her you have to get going, but “Let’s have a coffee sometime” then get her number if she says yes.
- Initiate contact casually “Can you watch my computer?”
- Re-initiate contact to start a conversation “What are you studying?”
- Focus the conversation on her(ironically you’ll come across as more interesting)
- Major buying signs are personal questions, and an easy-flowing conversation (she keeps talking)
- LEAD, LEAD, LEAD. If you want a phone number or to take her home the same day, it’s up to you to move things forward by making invitations “Let’s go for a walk to the beach…”
Icons: by Milky – Digital innovation, Universal Icons, and Ana Maria Loca Marcias
Part 7 ^
Case study #2: How a Scraggly Indian Man Took a Korean Girl for Coffee (and hen his home)
Anthony was a student of mine for a few months.
He had been through multiple training programs from companies like RSD, but he just couldn’t breakthrough his dating challenges.
So Anthony came to work with me and I put him on a program to get unstuck, and break down the bad habits which were killing his ability to create attraction with women.
To start, I carefully analyzed his approach and this is what I found:
1. He was lowering his voice every time he approached – Super common, and a submissive behavior which is an automatic turn off for women. It demonstrates insecurity, and a lack of self assurance. A boss speaks louder, not quieter.
2. He was laughing way too much – Fairly common. The “laugher” is trying to appease someone he feels is superior to himself. The laughter is forced, not natural, and comes off as goofy. This is also a submissive behavior.
3. He smiled more than Mickey Mouse – Basically the same as over-laughing. Smiling is a great thing that will communicate “I’m safe” but when a man starts doing it because he’s nervous he’ll look like a clown. Note: Clowns aren’t sexy.
4. His conversations were way too long – Once after a 20 minute conversation with a cute blond, Anthony asked for the girls number and THEN found out she had a boyfriend. He could of saved himself a lot of wasted time by getting to the point much more quickly, or taking her on an instant date. Many girls will stay and have a conversation with a guy they’re not sexually attracted to if he seems friendly and non threatening. Don’t let that fool you, standing there for a long time is not going to turn her on.
|In some circumstances humans might use smiling as a subordinate signal, but is can also be used as a genuine signal of friendliness.|
Now, there was a very simple reason Anthony was able to engage girls and get into long conversations that went nowhere: he was acting like a goofy performer instead of a sexual man.
The main contributing factors were his submissive, insecure over-smiling, forced laughter, and subordinate lowered voice.
This all SCREAMED “I’m not a masculine man, don’t take me seriously”.
Basically, he had neutered himself.
The Solution that Got Anthony Laid
By toning down all of the submissive body language, and getting Anthony to raise the volume of his voice, the difference was apparent immediately.
Right away I could see him look like a MAN, and not a clown.
One night we were out and this cute Korean girl passes by, so I told him to go talk to her.
As usual, the girl stopped and faced Anthony (he was good at getting women to stop).
Instead of Anthony forcing laughter and smiles I could see the girl laughing and smiling. Big improvement.
They stopped talking, turned, and started walking in my direction…something was up.
“Hey Eddy, this is Jenny. We’re just going to grab a coffee…”
After the brief introduction they headed across the street to the Cafe.
A little later I receive a text…
“I’m taking her on the Skytrain”.
Hallelujah! I thought.
A short while later, “I got her home…”
It was a done deal.
After only a month in training, he made a major breakthrough and did something he had never done before.
It was some minor body language tweaks which had paid off in a big way.
How would you like to meet a girl on the street, and have her back to your place in a few hours?
I think most of us would.
The problem is most guys will NEVER have this kind of experience because they don’t put themselves out there.
If Anthony, a skinny guy from India with a strong accent could do it, what’s stopping you?
Icon by By Halfazebra Studio, PT
Part 8 ^
Best Places to Approach Women
There’s no competition, tons of women, and meeting can become something you do while out doing anything.
Instead of having to go somewhere specifically to meet women, you could save time and just talk to the girl buying apples.
The reality is you can meet women anywhere if you let go of restrictive ideas that limit the where and how of getting dates.
Another favorite of mine is in cafes for the simple fact that I’m always in cafes doing my work.
The advantage of meeting women in the cafe environment (Vs. the street) is that their guards will usually be down when you spark a conversation casually.
It’s pretty hard to get any lower risk than saying, “What are you reading?”
I’ve even taken (many) women home directly from cafes (Find out how I took a hot Asian home here). How I was able to do it comes down to leading each step of the way, which I cover below.
Icon by Bob Holzer
Part 9 ^
Leadership for Dating
Part 10 ^
The Power of Being a BOLD Asker
Nearly all of my success, and that of my students, can be attributed to one key quality: being a bold asker.
Every time you see a woman you want to date: ask
Every time you’re with a woman you want to take home: ask
Every time you want anything: ask
This is the very essence of being assertive, the ability to ask for what you want.
This concept ties in very closely with being a self leader.
You want something so you have to take the initiative to ask for it, or do it.
Bold asking is about being very upfront with your desires, and asking unabashedly for that thing.
The fear of a ‘no’ will keep many guys from being super upfront about what they want. Instead they’ll dance around a topic, never get to the point, or ask in a weak way for something that isn’t even what they want.
Next time you want something, like taking a woman home from a date, just think of it like this:
If I ask, is there really a downside?
Do I want to be passive and not get what I want, or do I want to be BOLD and get exactly what I want?
The choice is yours.
Don’t go for less than 100% of what you really want. If you settle for second best that’s all you’ll get.
Jia Jang on the power of asking (and handling rejection).
Part 11 ^
How to Ask for Things: “Closing” or Your Call to Action
Asking for something will create much greater odds of getting it than not asking at all, but what if you could increase your odds substantially more by asking in the right way?
How to “CLOSE” the Dating Call to Action (DTCA)
In order to get phone numbers, get a kiss, or take women home you’re going to need a dating CTA (call to action). Think about this: if you’ve ever been on a sales page for a product, you’ll notice at the bottom there is what’s called a “CTA”, which just means they’re asking you to do something. They wan’t you’re email, or maybe they want you to buy a product.
Pay attention to the words they use because their wording has been carefully crafted, and so should your DTCA.
Why a DTCA is Important
Standardize your DTCA and you will never have to wonder “What do I say?” again. The DTCA means certainty by using a proven way of asking, and not squirming every time you want to ask a girl out, get her phone number, or take her home.
Your DTCA will always err on the masculine side of things (assertive).
There are two main ways to ask for something:
Passive Language Men Use With Women
“Do you want to go out…sometime?”
“Would you like to have a coffee?”
“Can I have your phone number?”
Assertive Language That Bold Men Use
Contrast the above terminology with:
“Let’s have coffee.”
“What’s your number.”
The subtle changes can mean the difference between getting an enthusiastic yes or an excuse.
The reason it works is simply because the second set of terms follows:
- Masculine assertiveness
- Assuming the answer is ‘yes’
Women like masculine men.
Masculine behavior is assertive and direct.
Passive behavior is uncertain, insecure, and assumes the answer is going to be no.
A passive man will also assume that if the woman says yes it’s because she’s doing him a favor, but he doesn’t really feel worthy.
Confident men know their value and don’t put attractive women on a pedestal.
An insecure man puts an attractive woman on a pedestal, and puts her value above his own.
This is why a guy who lacks confidence can’t just go talk to a great woman, because he thinks she’s above him.
That kind of mindset will make men assume if they were to ask an attractive woman out the answer would be no.
So they use insecure language like “Do you want to…?”
This kills his chances with great women because insecurity isn’t attractive.
The Right Way To Ask Women Out
Start by eliminating passive language from your vocabulary.
When asking a woman out never ASK:
- “Do you want to…”
- “Would you like to…”
- “Could we…”
- “What do you think?”
- “Maybe we could…”
Instead, ask by making statements like:
- “Let’s have a coffee.”
- “Give me your number.”
- “What’s your number?” (A question, but one that assumes she’s giving you her number)
- “We should have a coffee sometime.”
Statements are more powerful than questions in the dating context.
Make positive assumptions and base your statements off of those assumptions.
One word to keep in mind that will make “asking” better every time is “Let’s”
It basically replaces any weak question with an assertive statement. Just take the question you were gong to ask, and add ‘let’s’ to the beginning.
Icons by Fernando Rojas Braga, and Brad Ashburn
Part 12 ^
Which Women Should I Approach?
If you can see her, you can talk to her. That’s the rule.
We create so many barriers for ourselves, so many arbitrary rules, not realizing that these “rules” in our minds are illusory. We made them up, and they amount to a self made mental prison.
A lot of guys worry when they see a woman wearing headphones, studying, or walking quickly, but none of that matters (much).
A fast walking woman MIGHT be in a rush somewhere, but she may be just walking quickly out of habit.
Don’t try to be an amateur psychic and assume you know that she won’t be receptive.
I’ve stopped women who WERE in a rush, but they were still happy to talk, it just had to be brief. Can you talk to a woman for 30 seconds to one minute?
If so, you can get her number and a date.
What to do if She Doesn’t React “Positively”
MANY women will be surprised by your approach because they’re not used to men approaching them.
Because they’re not used to this bravery from men, a lot of them don’t know how to handle the situation.
That’ll often make their reaction look negative.
In reality they’re just as insecure and nervous as you probably are to talk to them.
That means when you show up like a shining knight they’re often going to be awkward.
Think about that for a minute: you may feel awkward but don’t put all of the blame on yourself because the girl you’re talking to may be the awkward one (or both of you may be).
It’s not a deal breaker just because the initial reaction doesn’t look positive.
Since you’re initiating the contact, and you’re being a leader as a man, it’s up to you to follow through in spite of what appears to be less than positive.
More concisely it means having balls.
You see, the majority of guys who meet a woman who doesn’t smile right away will lose their nerve and back off.
Instead, here’s what you should do if you see a less than positive reaction from a girl you’ve just approached.
- Show empathy. Simply by recognizing that the situation is unusual you’re demonstrating your human ability to read body language. This will make you come off as more genuine and trustworthy. It’s as easy as saying “I can see the surprise on your face”.
- Stick in there. Don’t run away because she’s being non responsive. If she doesn’t walk away then you’re golden. The basic rule is as long as she doesn’t walk away then keep talking. Don’t be the first one to break off the approach.
- Give space. If a girl is really surprised I will sometimes take a step back to give a little more space. This will usually increase her comfort and allow for the interaction to move forward. As she get’s more comfortable she’ll start to close the gap.
- Keep talking. It may seem awkward but it’s your job to lead, so start with a statement/question combo to get the conversation started. If you get a response which dries out quickly, dig deeper into that topic to get more information out of it.
- Close. You’ve done the hardest part already, so now you just have to get her number. Don’t walk away without at least making an attempt.
If you can stick in there when it doesn’t seem positive you’ll end up with many more dates than if you back away instantly.
Just keep in mind that girls get nervous too.
Part 13 ^
How to Act if She Rejects You
I was getting filmed in a documentary about the pick up industry, and while on break I made a comment to one of the camera guys; “Nice to get some positive approaches in after those rough ones this morning”.
“But you never even reacted to the rejections. I thought they didn’t bother you”.
It’s true, I had no reaction when approaches didn’t go well.
After going through so many rejections in my life I’ve learned that the best reaction is no reaction.
And my emotions are in sync with my lack of reaction: calm, cool, un-reactionary, and forward thinking.
It’s not that it never bothers me when I get a rejection or do a bad approach, it’s just that I’ve learned how to control my feelings, mostly just by becoming numb to a girls negative response.
I still feel it, but NEVER react to it.
This is why people see me get rejected and look like nothing happened.
Rejection is just part of the process.
I actually felt a lot of stress to perform on film, and this got in the way of my A-game.
Even though I was stressed and went through some rough spots, it wasn’t visible to the camera crew.
Why You Shouldn’t React to Rejection
When you can learn to handle rejection and not give a fuck, it demonstrates true emotional control.
Not only that, but by controlling your breath and posture, you’ll actually reduce the negative feelings associated with a rejection.
On the other hand, if you walk away with a frown on your face, looking at the ground, and hands in your pocket with a slouched over posture, you’ll multiply the “sting”.
Some more reasons to get that monkey off your back:
- Will allow you to tolerate more stress
- Ensures long term success by eliminating a build up of negative feelings
- Your new emotional control allow you to function better in different pressure scenarios
- Lower stress means a clearer thinking mind to make better decisions
- Your calm, cool non-reaction can create interest where there was none
Why Do We Hurt When Rejected?
This is very much a deep seeded part of our psyche’s. Except for psychotic people, everyone hurts when rejected.
When we understand what’s behind our feelings of rejection though, we can keep it from stopping us from meeting the kind of women we like.
The great news is that sting from rejection will actually diminish from experience.
That is of course, if you learn how to frame it in your mind.
With proper framing you’ll take away it’s power over you.
Add that to control over your body language after a rejection happens, and you’ll soon be nearly invincible.
That’s not to say that it will ever feel good, but you can make it almost irrelevant.
Icon by Luis Prado
Part 14 ^
How to Compliment a Woman
Everyone likes a little praise, and complimenting a woman is a great way to approach. The main thing to keep in mind is not to overdo it, or stay fixated on her looks.
These basic rules will guide you for making better compliments.
- Keep it simple. A lot of guys practically go into worship mode when they make a compliment. Simple compliments like “you look nice” “cute” or “a good sense of style” usually work better than “you’re so gorgeous”. It puts less pressure on the woman, and doesn’t make you look like a “fan”.
- Complimenting her taste is better than complimenting her looks. She had no choice over her genetics, but she did have a choice over what she wore. Complimenting style or fashion will tell her that you think she looks good, but at the same time that you think she has a good sense of taste. Looks are good too, but a larger percentage of women will react positively to complements on their taste.
- Say it once. Don’t become a gushing fan by telling her multiple times how great you think she is. Compliment then move on to a deeper topic.
- Provocative compliments work. Although I don’t advise that most guys compliment a woman on her body, cleavage, or ass, it can work if you’re completely unapologetic and 100% certain. One way to compliment a woman who obviously works-out is simply to say that she looks in great shape. That’s a direct compliment on her physique, but it works because you’re also complimenting the work she put into being in shape. I’ve been even more direct complimenting a nice butt before and always got a smile.
Part 15 ^
But, Isn’t that “Creepy”?
One of my clients had a sort of stumbling block.
No matter who he approached, and what she looked like, he would use the same two compliments that I taught him.
Cool, he was paying attention, but…
He was taking two compliments that I gave him and applying them no matter what, to girls that it did not apply to at all.
He was telling girls who obviously didn’t work out how fit they were.
He was also telling girls wearing Lu Lu Lemon yoga pants, and a hoodie, that they “had a great sense of style”.
That shit was coming off as insincere because these girls KNEW when they weren’t fit, or weren’t wearing anything nice.
I asked, “Why are you saying the same thing to every girl?”
He replied, “I’m just falling short on ideas…”
A guy should never be short on ideas on what to compliment a woman on because all you have to do is look at her and comment on what you like about her.
The truth came out later in a text message though.
I told him, “If a girl is sort of generic but still looks nice just use a generic compliment like ‘cute'”
He replied, “But isn’t that sort of creepy?”
I knew why he was always running out of things to say, and also using the same two insincere compliments for every girl he talked to…
He was too concerned about being “creepy” instead of just focusing on the girl.
This was stifling him big time because his creative process was being blocked by self projection.
His fear of being creepy was ironically making him CREEPY because his behavior was being altered in a bad way.
This is a really common thing for guys.
1. Guy worries about being creepy
2. Guy acts TOO polite to girl
3. Guy censors himself and is limited in what he can say
4. Guy end up BEING CREEPY by trying not to be creepy
The reason is because guys who are worried about being creepy will act in all sorts of unnatural ways.
They’ll end up using body language that creeps girls out, like leaning forward instead of standing tall and confident.
They’ll shrink their bodies in submission instead of taking space like a man.
And they’ll lower their voices and talk in a quiet creepy tone trying to appease the girl they’re talking to.
STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.
Girls aren’t attracted to guys who act submissive and bleed insecurity all over the place, trying not to be creepy.
The very thought of “Isn’t that creepy?” says A LOT about what someone thinks about themselves.
A guy who thinks that is just worried that HE’S creepy. It has nothing to do with the act of introducing himself to a woman; it’s all insecurity.
Before continuing, let’s go into the definition of creepy according to Dr. NerdLove (which is spot on):
So let’s get back to my student and his epiphany about “being creepy”.
There’s nothing threatening, rude, or obscene about telling a girl that she’s cute, but my student was stuck because of thinking he would be creepy.
There’s also nothing that stands out about that compliment that could be classified as weird.
It’s the attempt to alter your behavior to not be creepy that will always come off as weird.
You can’t act normally, smooth, or cool when you’re focused on not being creepy.
If creepy is the dominant thought then you’re more likely to freeze up, run out of things to say, or act submissively, instead of focusing on the girl.
All of that behavior is awkward and can make it look like you have an alternative objective.
Think of how a bum acts when he walks up to you and says, “Excuse me sir…”
He has a sad little face, forward rolled shoulders, and pouty lips to boot.
Is respect and admiration the first feeling you get from this ass kissing, pathetic little man?
He’s trying to get your pity so he has this sad, insecure appearance and acts submissive by calling you “Sir”.
Guys who try not to be creepy do almost the same thing when they approach an attractive woman and act TOO polite.
A boss never kisses anyone’s ass.
And women aren’t attracted to brown-nosers.
Creepiness for the most part is a state of mind and something that get’s projected when a man is insecure.
In the second case it’s not reading a situation properly and coming off as threatening.
So be real when you talk to women, don’t try to “act” like something, and you’ll come off much more sincere and cool.
Part 16 ^
How to Get Physical One Minute After Meeting a Girl
Very few guys will “risk” getting physical on a daytime approach, but there are a few things you can do to start picking up the heat and turn things sexual FAST.
Not only that, but you can even increase your odds of getting her phone number with some light physical contact.
How to Get 30% More Dates with the Midas Touch or “Everyone I touch Turns Into a Date”
A study at Aberdeen University found that by simply touching a woman on the arm, guys had a 30% higher chance of getting a phone number. I call this a “buying enticement”.
So, how to do this.
This sort of light physical contact will be easy if you make a habit out of it.
It should never be intrusive or prolonged, and will only last for about a second each time.
Specifically, don’t attempt physical contact if she is turned away, or leaning away from you. When you can feel/see that she’s comfortable with you then some light contact will be well received, and will come off as friendly.
The whole point of this type of touch is to build up physical rapport (comfort and sexuality), so that when you make a bigger move it’s not a total surprise.
A lot of guys will not touch at all, then they jump in for a big move, like a kiss, and completely surprise their date.
The Steps to Physical Rapport
- Be close enough. If you’re more than arms length away then there will be no way to do this naturally without being awkward. You should never have to lean in to touch her.
- “Italian hands” Incorporate your hands into your speech and physical contact will become a natural extension of your spoken words. When saying something like “Oh, and guess what…”, on the “Oh” your hand would have been reaching out already, then briefly landing on her arm (with your finger tips).
- Multiple touch points. There isn’t a limit on how many times you can initiate this type of physical contact. As long as it’s brief and incorporated into your hand movements it will not come off as strange.
Taking a Girl by the Hand for an Instant Date
A more advanced move that I demonstrate in the video below, is taking a girl whom you’ve just met on a date by taking her hand and leading her. (sorry, will add the video shortly)
Follow the steps in the section on how to approach and get an instant date. The only difference is that when you start moving in the direction of the cafe, you simply reach over and grab her hand as if you’re already a couple.
Another way to do it is to say “Show me your right hand”. Make sure to gesture with your hand palm up so she will copy you, then you grab her and and lead her to your date spot.
Holding Hands Off the Shake
This is an easy, low risk physical move that will build up the chemistry fast.
The combination of holding her hand along with intense eye contact can be a sexual game changer after meeting a woman.
You’ll probably feel awkward if you’ve never done it before but resist your urge to pull back. Let her be the first one to withdraw her hand.
- Off of the handshake, instead of letting go just leave your hand out.
- IF she does the same thing (doesn’t withdraw her hand) then don’t withdraw yours.
- Keep your eyes on her eyes
- The moment you feel her hand sliding away, or being pulled back even with the slightest of pressure, let go.
What to Watch Out For
This move works because she WANTS to hold your hand, and isn’t withdrawing it herself. The moment you have to apply any force at all it becomes creepy, and possibly assault.
That makes it sound like a very serious en-devour, but as long as you leave your hand out with a loose grip that MATCHES her hand strength, you’ll be golden.
Part 17 ^
Body Language Basics You Need to Know
There’s A LOT that could be said about body language, but I’m just going to include the basics here, and some resources for further research.
The three points below are all you need to focus on. The best way to have good posture when speaking to a woman is to have good posture ALWAYS, and lift weights to strengthen your body.
Good Body Language
- Stand straight, or even lean back slightly. If you feel your weight in the balls of your feet then lean back till it’s even or in your heels.
- Hands by your sides, not in your pockets. Don’t fidget or put your hands in your pockets as this looks insecure.
- Stand facing her squarely. A sideways angle isn’t a confident posture.
Bad Body Language
- Leaning forward
- Arms crossed
- Shoulders rolled forwards
- Hands in pockets
- Not facing a woman squarely
Stephan Erdman | Authentic Game has some great body language tips.
This video demonstrates some advanced body language secrets from Stanford Graduate School of Business. Although they focus on lying, this will make you better at reading whether or not a woman is interested. Nervous gestures aren’t necessarily a bad thing in dating, so learn to read multiple body language signals in clusters instead of cherry picking.
Part 18 ^
Q&A and Common Objections
- Do I have to be a pick up artist? No. Men have been picking up women long before the PUA phenomenon.
- What if I’m fat, ugly or old? Looks do matter, so you should work on yourself to be as awesome as possible. However, the better you are with your social skills and confidence, the better everything else will be, regardless of looks. As for age, women love older men.
- What if I have no confidence? Confidence is dynamic. Whatever confidence you’re experiencing right now is not set in stone. You can gain it, and you can also lose it. It’s based on your experiences and ability to do things effectively. If you want confidence you need to learn new skills and experiences directly related to whatever you want to be confident in. Basically, confidence = competence.
- Harassment? For feminist or social justice warriors EVERYTHING a man does to meet women is considered harassment. Don’t give in to ideas from radicals who are only interested in slandering men and creating a more closed society.
- Do women really like to be approached? Yes. Of course, you can’t be all things to all women; not every woman is going to feel social or interested when you approach, but the vast majority are open to it (when done properly).
Have another question which has not been addressed? Leave a comment at the bottom of this post.
Part 19 ^
Other Training and Challenges to Make You a Social Superstar
The dating game is a huge part of life, but it’s just a part.
Learning the art of the approach WILL make you a stronger, ballsier, and more socially savvy man, but there is so much more you can do to build yourself up.
Below are a number of resources that will help you reinvent who you are.
1. The Coffee Challenge. Noah & Neville, the founders of Appsumo, have a cool challenge for getting over the fear of asking for things. It’s called the “coffee challenge”.
6. Get Jacked. Lifting weights is an essential for every man. You don’t have to actually get jacked, but weights will make you look better, feel better, and have better posture too. Not to mention that your clothes will fit better too. Check out Thrive Strength & Conditioning.
Know of any other training or challenges that will make a man stronger and braver? Leave a comment at the end of this post.
Part 20 ^
Final Note: The Factors that Will Make You Successful with Women
Most men treat their dating lives passively. They wait for “good luck” but still wonder why they can’t meet great women.
The same men end up in relationships they’re not satisfied with because they allowed dumb luck to dictate their love life. In the end they settle for low quality women because they don’t have any other options.
I wonder how many men have even felt love?
Think about it; if you didn’t have any dating experience or means of meeting great women, then ONE WOMAN showed you interest, how quickly do you think you’d “be in love”?
It may feel like love, but it’s more often a needy illusion.
That’s not you though. It may have been, but you’re not here for nothing. At some point you decided it was time to DO THIS and take charge.
You’re tired of seeing hot women pass by but not knowing what to say.
You’re sick of bad dating advice which tells you to “do something social”.
When’s the last time playing tennis ever taught a man how to have a great conversation, approach an attractive stranger, or make a woman’s panties wet?
So, even though you’ve had your own struggles, you’ve made a big decision to get ahead of the pack and CHOOSE who you want to be with.
On that note, congratulations.
Now it’s time to take some real action and apply what you’ve learned on this page by talking to some women.
Help spread the word to other men who could use some support with dating.
This is what you should do next:
- Leave a comment below
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